He disabled his match.com account in front of me
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
home. puking in laundry basket.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
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