my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
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