You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
