I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
