a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
