you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
