im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
