Only a mothe r could love this liver
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
