you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
