I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
