Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
