I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
It's shark week go big or go home
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
