Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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