I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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