so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
