the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
