This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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