That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
