I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
