Rock
Scissors
Fuck
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
