What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
