we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
So much rum. So many feels.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
