I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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