Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
