There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
as a side note pls kill me
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
