Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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