now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
