I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
