I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
