You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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