Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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