I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
