last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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