I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
