eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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