I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
