Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
