Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
