well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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