Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
