I wish I only lived at night.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
