Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
