Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
