now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
