I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
