I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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