When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
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