Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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