ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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