I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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