Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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