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dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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