Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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