if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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